Oh, kami!
by DarkSerapha
Summary: Attempted humor. Many pairings, yaoi and het, but concentrating on yaoi. Warning: lime, lemon hints, slight blasphemy, Dende-torturing, Yamcha bashing. Summary: A short lecture on why you should not use the name of kami in vain. He might dislike it...


**Author:** Dark Serapha

**Email**: [Mononokehime@gmx.net][1]

**Archive**: Yes, but ask first.

**Warnings: **

YAOI, folks (as if you didn't knew). Means male x male intimacy. Go flame your own behind if you don't like it.

AND HET (D'OH.. how could I!?! I can't believe I did that... Nothing explicit though.)

Lime/lemon hints, general weirdness (yes it's one of THOSE fics), slight blasphemy, Dende-torture, slight Yamcha-bashing, cussing

Be afraid. Be VERY afraid! You have been warned. 

**Pairings: **

Lemme see.. G x V, G x T, B x Y, K x 18, T x T x T x T, G xV, D x P and whoever else I can cram in on the way. And yes, the confusion with the letters up there is deliberate. Heh. 

**Honors: **

Written for a very very special person as a gift. 

Happy birthday to my dearest **Rogue**! 

Thank you for everything! I thank kami every day that I have met you! 

…*sweatdrop

Please don't kill me… please..?

***

Also for **Xero Sky**, my great idol. May the HamHams rock the Dominion!

Thanks to Azurite for betaing!

**Summary: **

A short lecture on why you should not use the name of god in vain. He might dislike it… or maybe not?

'…' = thoughts

*…* = prayers. Sort of..

**Oh, kami!**

_'Aaaah… lovely peaceful silence….'_

The green skinned being lay back and relaxed. Lazily he grabbed a tall glass standing on a table beside him, absentmindedly toyed with the small colourful umbrella and the stick with star-shaped fruit-pieces on it and sighed again, smiling. Then he took a long sip of the refreshing mixture, watching the blue sky overhead, where small, fluffy white clouds seemed to enjoy themselves. 

It was a perfect day.

_'It's good to be god..' _

Dende, guardian of earth, took a well deserved sunbath to refresh his healthy green skin colour. The young god relaxed in his sun-chair, idly counting the fleecy clouds. On his order they formed themselves to pictures. A fluffy Vegeta emerged, chasing an even fluffier Yamcha throughout the heavens. The little white Saiyajin fired a cloudy blast-shaped thing and the steam-based desert bandit vanished with a poof. 

Dende smiled. 

He felt he deserved this small break from his everyday godly activities. Just this morning, he had dealt with a large flood, threats of two major wars between neighbouring countries, a volcano erupting on a holiday resort island, a plane which had started without having gathered enough fuel - fools, all of them! – and a kitten that was stuck in a tree. Okay, so that hurricane had slipped his all-seeing eye. But hey, nobody's perfect!  All in all, it had been a busy start for the day and the young god had marvellously managed to fulfil his difficult job without messing up too much.

Surely he had earned himself a little break and some quiet relaxing, hadn't he?

Mr. Popo was nowhere in sight, undoubtedly tending to the surprisingly large gardens somewhere in the back of the lookout. Dende would swear that those things were bigger than the whole lookout himself! You could get lost in there and that was quite something on a half sphere that was clearly visible at once from one end to the other. He had no idea what strange kind of plants grew in the deeper depths and frankly, he didn't wish to find out.

_'Even for god some things stay a mystery…'_

Piccolo on the other hand was off for meditation. Of course. The large Namekjin never did anything else beside meditating for hours without end. Dende, of namekian heritage himself, understood the concept of mental tranquillity through meditation but personally thought that Piccolo was overdoing it. 

_'Wonder what he's waiting for…'_

***Kami!***

Dende's eyes snapped open as he nearly choked on his Pina Colada.  Frantically he looked around only to realize after a few seconds, that he had not heard that with his pointy ears but inside his head. He frowned as he concentrated. The voice had been vaguely familiar…

_'What is it..? A new threat to earth..? Did something happen..?'_

Quickly he stepped over to the brim of the lookout, looking down to earth. He focused on the source of the voice and narrowed his eyes. This amazing trait of the lookout, to allow him to view every part of earth in detail whenever he wanted to, was an indispensable tool for his work as the guardian of Chikyuu-sei. It was his duty to observe what was going on on earth at all times. Dende wiped the sweat from his brows, dearly hoping that nothing disastrous had happened while he was taking his little break. He HAD been neglecting his duties, but one hour could not make so much of a difference, could it..?

He focused more and finally the source of the voice came into view. Dende recognized the face immediately and a small smile grazed his lips. So it had been Gohan, his old childhood friend. Dende briefly wondered why the demi-saiyajin had called on him... the picture enlarged and the surroundings of Gohans position came into view. 

Dende gulped.

_'Ooookay… not a threat it seems. Must have been a random stray thought... ehehe... looks like that really hit the spot, so to say..' _

He sighed and retreated from the brim, trying hard to get one or two pictures he had not been able to ignore out of his head. 

'_I swear, those two act as if they're still on their honeymoon. Gohan's really one lucky bastard. Hmm.. I wonder. Videl looks a bit as if they would be expecting some offspring in the not too far away future. Maybe I should check on that…' __He mentally frowned. ''..later. Yeah, later. Definitely.' _

He settled back into his chair, relaxing again. He had just closed his eyes for a quick nap when suddenly..

***OH! Kami, Trunks!***

His eyes snapped open again.

_'No.. oh no… what day is today? It's not.. it's not.. Thursday, isn't it?? Oh damn! It is!!'_

Dende groaned painfully. He did not have to step over to the brim to check THIS one out. Mentally he prepared and without hesitation, it continued…

***Oh goood...! Yes!! Trunks... Oh kami… harder! Harder please!***

'How could I have forgotten that today was Thursday? I mean, with those two, six days out of seven is bad but Thursday is worst because it is the day after Wednesday, which is, in return, the day Trunks has to train with his father, which means he can't meet with Goten, which means they can't… err.. be together, which of course leads to the conclusion that they have to make up for that on Thursday which equals on hell of a headache for me because I swear those two are not human, they're RABBITS!'

Dende massaged his temples groaning as he tried in vain to ignore the enthusiastic shouts in his head getting louder and louder. Finally, with one last earth-shaking scream (Dende would have sworn that there had actually been a small earthquake with those two in it's epicentre) , finally silence returned. 

The young god lifted his eyes gratefully before remembering that he could not thank some almighty entity above for this little gift of grace. 

_'It's bad to be god… you can't blame somebody else.'_

The young guardian briefly shuddered when a flash of memory passed his inner eye of how he had stumbled upon those two the first time. He had rushed to the brim upon hearing them  like he had just now, anxious because of the loud scream that had echoed through his head. He had stood there and stared for at least five minutes, before he had been able to tear his eyes away, which made the whole thing even worse. 

Dende was – kami knows it (he still liked that little pun) - not prudish, but the things those two did… 

The namekian god, being the offspring of a race that was asexual for most of their natural life, had already a hard time to conquer the concept of inter-being intimacy. It did not matter to him that Goten and Trunks were of the same gender – to someone who did not understand sex at all, the particular details of the couple mattered sincerely zero. No, there were other things that made this matters difficult for the young guardian. 

First of all he felt slightly guilty. He had the feeling that as earth's assigned guardian he SHOULD understand these things as they seemed to be a basic principle in the lives of those he was destined to protect. 

Second he felt guilty too, because he had actually felt some... weird thing, when he had first watched those two. It had been all warm and tingly, washing through his entire body from head to toes, leaving him feeling very uneasy. His antennas still twitched at the mere thought. 

The third reason was simply that he did not want to know this. Much less listen to it or even worse,  watch it. He might not have a total understanding what sex actually meant to those involved but he did have the strong feeling that it was something private that should STAY between those involved. Besides, he had grown up to look at Trunks and Goten as if they were younger siblings of himself and the mere thought of what they were doing made him blush immensely. 

To summarize: he was one screwed up kami.

Dende hid his head in his hands as it started all over again – just like he knew it would. 

He was almost glad when another voice in his head demanded his attention, hoping that it was some serious prayer that would help him avert his attention from what the two demi-sayaijin were doing at the moment. 

He regretted it a moment later when he figured out the new voice. Idly he wondered what Vegeta would do if he ever found out that Bulma cheated on him with Yamcha. Frankly he doubted that the saiyan prince would care. All he seemed to have on his mind was training, day after day after day. But he would probably still blast the desert bandit to the next realm. The prince had never been overly fond of the scar-faced ex of his wife,  and probably would be glad for the excuse to finally get rid of him.

***Ahhhh! Dende! Oh Bulma, yes, you're fantastic, baby!"**

Grossed out said Dende stuck out his tongue. He heartily despised the guy! It was bad enough to call for god or kami, but Yamcha had this annoying trait to actually cry out Dende's name at the.. err.. climax. The nerve of it!! It made Dende feel so.. dirty! As if he was somehow involved into the whole gruesome matter! Idly Dende wondered whether he should give Vegeta a hint. It would rid him of at least one of his problems…

_'Is there a official discretion for kami?'_ he asked himself. He really had to ask the supreme kai when he next had to report to him…

He didn't even react anymore when the voices of Kuririn and 18 joined the cacophony. It was just one of those days...

One day he really had to find out if it was normal for humans (androids included) to have that much sex or if they just did it to annoy him. With the demi-saiyajin it was of course an entirely different matter. Dende had figured from the involuntary statistics he had been forced to acquire plus some information he had gotten himself after first entertaining the thought, that Saiyajin were a race that was much closer to their primal roots than the humans were. Basically, what made them tick was food, fighting and sex.  

It seemed that they had infinite reserves in the last department.

Dende shivered slightly and thanked… uh... damn... well he thanked himself that the last two full blooded Saiyajin, who of course just HAD to reside on the very world HE guarded,  seemed to be the big exception from the rule…

Suddenly the sky turned pitch-black.

_'Nani? What's this? Someone has summoned the dragon?'_

The young kami frowned and again walked over to the brim. Just when he arrived a new voice popped up.

***Uuuuuunnnh! Oh kami! This is incredible! Uuuuh!***

Involuntarily Dende was distracted and instead of searching for the place the dragon had appeared in, his gaze zoomed in on a small house in a peaceful valley. Inside four figures were moving, tangled with each other, sweat-slicked skin gliding sensually over heated flesh. Dende's eyes bulged out. 

_'I had no idea you could use the split-form technique for THAT! Tenshinhan… I can't believe it..'_

Quickly he stepped back again, but his mind had already memorized the image of four absolutely identical muscular bald figures moving with and against each other…

_'Gosh, I knew he was single for a long time, but that he would reside to such desperate measures…'_

***

Somewhere many miles away a mind was in sync with itself. Total silence reigned. 

_'Not much longer.'_

***

The sky had cleared again in the meantime and Dende cursed inwardly. Today was really not his day. He swore if he ever found out who was responsible for this mess  he would… he would… ah damn! If only he was a bit more creative in the department of cussing. 

If they had told him beforehand what was waiting for him he might have considered again if he really wanted to be kami. He sincerely doubted though that Goku, innocent sweet Goku, had known about this beforehand. He remembered the day the earth-grown Saiyajin had come to New Namek, asking for someone to volunteer as a substitute for the old kami who had fused with Piccolo to increase his strength. Unluckily that meant that since Piccolo had been evil sometime in the past he was not pure enough anymore to fulfil the role of kami. Without a second thought Dende had agreed to accompany his friends to earth and be their guardian. It had seemed like a good job, after all he would do something immensely important, help people and he had this real nice view from the lookout and his personal servant, though the term just didn't seem to fit Mr. Popo very well. 

Namely the same had taught him the duties of kami afterwards. He had served the old kami as well and Dende had been immensely grateful for his valuable advice. Mr Popo had told the young guardian that he would only hear the prayers of his protégés if it was really important. Without that limitation he would have heard a constant buzz of voices destined to make him crazy within minutes. Normally the prayers did start of with his name, "kami" or "god", Mr Popo said. 

Mr. Popo hat not mentioned THE EXCEPTION.

Dende sat down on the sun-chair and miserably buried his head in his arms. He still did not know if the strange genie-like creature knew or not.

_'With that never-changing expression of his... it's hard to tell. He might as well laugh at me secretly all the time.'_

Of course the old kami must have known. He would after all have experienced the same. But probably not to the expenses Dende had to. 

The truth was, there was a catch in the whole god-business. 

Normally kami only listened to the serious prayers, the one concerning life or death. It was impossible for one being to deal with all those little day-by-day problems. He was the guardian of earth, not the garbage-man of feeble human problems. 

But - and this was THE EXCEPTION – this rule did not apply to the heroes of earth. 

Dende had no idea what determined someone a hero of earth. He had asked the supreme kai once and had only gotten a cryptic answer along the lines of that fate chose itself and those who were deemed worthy blablabla. 

The term unluckily seemed to include all of the z-fighters. 

Dende assumed that whoever had partaken in the defence of earth at some point was found worthy of the title. He cursed it daily. 

This seemed to be some kind of grace given to the ones who had offered their lives for the inhabitants of this planet. Their prayers would be heard by kami. Each and every single one. 

Unluckily that rule must have been designed by some overly pedantic bureaucrat. 

In theory it was meant as a acknowledgement of great deeds, dignifying the heroes above all others. 

In practice it meant that every  - _quote Dende start_ -  "kami-forsaken time one of the damned lot moans, groans, yells, screams, gasps or pants" – _quote Dende end_ – either the word kami, god or Dende, he would have to listen. Every time! 

In practice it meant that Dende had nearly forgotten that his natural skin colour was a beautiful shade of green because he blushed a healthy lilac so very often.

In practice it meant that the unlucky god knew more about sex - and kinkiness -  than he wanted to, than he naturally should, being asexual and all, or than he could take without loosing his sanity. 

In practice it meant that Dende had the feeling that, basically, all humans – or Saiyajin - did was having sex, sex, sex.  But why the hell they had to mention his name every literally  fucking time so to speak while doing it, stayed a infinite mystery to him. He had gotten so paranoid that he was on the brink of accusing them to have a conspiracy to drive him frikkin mad!

Of course he hadn't. 

He didn't really believe that they knew what they were doing to him. And how could he tell them that he had been present every time? That he had listened while Goten was conceived, had even watched as Trunks and Goten did it the first time - and he had watched on other occasions too, because he wasn't always sure at first that that's what it was and he had to check, it was his duty and oh kami what things he had seen.

He couldn't tell them that.

Could he?

No.

***OH GOD! Oooooh.. do that again… Jyunana… oh please…***

Dende froze. 

He knew that voice. Its exact copy was still groaning loudly in another part of his mental world. The passion made his antennas twitch again. 

_'How can there be two… No.. It can't be? No.. Don't tell me I hear them from different timelines too?????'_

***

On the other side of the world, someone watched and waited, knowing the time would come.

_'Soon now.'_

***

The young guardian sniffed, clutching his head as the cacophony of screams and moans echoed on and on…

"Oi! Dende!"

_'…GAH!!! Nani? Goku?'_

Dende turned on his heel and saw a grinning Goku walking towards him. He smiled brightly in relief. The savior of earth would distract him from the invisible concerto in his head!

_'You are my last hope! My savior!'_

"Goku! I'm glad to see you!"

Son Goku  had not expected to find a grinning green young god jump-hug and trying to squeeze the life out of him. He laughed brightly.

"Easy there, kid. It's good to see you too! How are you doing up here?"

One or two seconds Dende was tempted to just tell Goku everything, his confusion, his feelings of guilt and arousal. Then he looked into the bright, innocent eyes of the strongest being in the universe and swallowed it. 

'Tell Goku? Sweet, innocent Goku who hasn't given me any trouble since Goten? Who despite everything probably still thinks that sex is some strange food? Naaaa…'

"Oh.. I'm doing fine, Goku.." He answered weakly.

"Say.. you wouldn't know if Mirai Trunks has come back to this timeline, would you?"

Goku's eyes widened in astonishment.

"You already know? I was just going to tell you. He came back cause his mom died and he says there's nothing left for him. He also wanted to make up with C 17 and C 18. Wow. How'd you know? You're really quick! But.." the Saiyajin grinned and scratched his head in his trademark gesture – "of course, you're kami, so I suppose you must know."

_'Well I don't know about C 18 but he certainly DID make up with C17!' _Dende thought dryly. He sighed and tried to ignore a particularly enthusiastic scream by following the movement of Goku's twitching tail-tip with his eyes. 

_'Hm.. that's soothing. Almost hypnotizing. Twitch.. twitch.. wait a second, TAIL??'_

"Go.. Goku, you have a tail!!"

Earth greatest warrior grinned again.

"Yeah. That's the second thing I was going to tell you. I thought it was time to restore the moon again, and since Vegeta has finally taught us all how to control the transformation process I wished back all the tails too. Even for Trunks and Goten. They asked for it." 

He stopped when he noticed that Dende had turned a sick shade of blue.

"You don't look to good, Dende, What's wrong?"

The young guardian gulped audibly.

_'A moon. Tails. Oh myself,  I'll never be able to sleep again!'_

His research had given him more details than he had actually wished for. He had even contacted a few Saiyajin in hell and one of them, by the name of Bardock and, if he recalled it right, somewhat related to Goku, had been particularly of help. He had explained about the saiyan customs and biology, about how the moon played a big role in their sex-life and that the tails were in fact erogenous zones that were essential in the mating cycle.

Dende had never thanked himself so much like on that occasion for the simple fact that neither moon nor tails were a problem for him.

Now they were.  

Goku was surprised a second time this day when he suddenly felt Dende cling to him like his life depended on it and heard the young god speak so fast that he almost could not understand him anymore.

"Oh Goku, have I ever told you what a great guy you are, you are really great the way you are, promise me that you never ever change, always stay just as you are now, nice and sweet and innocent and caring and go on loving your food and training and fighting and.."

"Umm.. " the warrior scratched his head in confusion, "actually I was just on my way to spar with Vegeta…"

"Great wonderful, Vegeta, yes, great guy, gotta love that man, really, so determined, nothing but training on his mind, wonderful you do that, spar, let off some steam, haha, just forget about such feeble things like tails and moons an everything, have fun okay?"

"Uh... ooookay." Goku stared at the aggravated namek-jin, his tail twitching and indicating his confusion.

"Whatever you say, Dende.." He grinned.

"Boy, I really really like my new tail! By now, I'm gonna go spar with Vegeta!"

Dende grinned so wide that the upper half of his face threatened to come off and continued to do so until Son Goku had teleported out of sight. Then he unceremoniously slumped to the ground.

_'I'm doomed!'_

He sobbed once or twice, then propped his chin on his elbow, drumming a small rhythm on the white tiles of the lookout, thinking.

_'Good. At least I was quick enough to avert the worst. With Goku and Vegeta out of the way, it will probably be at least tolerable. Trunks and Goten seem to be at their maximum anyway, I honestly can't imagine them increasing anymore, and Gohan... well, Videl should be able to restrain him. So, maybe it's not such a catastrophe after all. '_

Dende had really taking a liking to the cold saiyan prince, solemnly because he was probably the one that bothered him least of all. The prince seemed to have one occupation alone and that was training, presumably to one day best Son Goku, Kakarott, his arch rival. 

He still lived at Capsule Corp, mostly because of his kids Trunks and Bra, Dende assumed. But, and the young god dearly wished he didn't know that so well, he did not join his wife in bed anymore and had not done so for years now. Dende wondered what Vegeta would do if he ever found out that he had heard him admit his pleasure as Bra was conceived. Dende had been impressed. In all the nights he had heard Bulma afterwards with Yamcha (why she was considered a hero of earth was still beyond his understanding) she had never been so enthusiastic like that night. It seemed the handsome dark saiyan prince had quite some traits. 

Dende banged his head on the lookout-floor. 

_'Must! Not! Think! About! That!'_

He dearly wished that the old kami had designed some sort of manual. It practically suggested itself! Make up some simple rules and let somebody write them down! Over and out and you have so much less trouble, thank you very much! His rule number one would of course be: DO NOT USE THE NAME OF GOD IN VAIN!

Dende wondered if it was too late to do something like that. Maybe he could, like, manifest himself to some earthling in, say, a golden writing on a supermarket-wall, or make an appearance in a TV-spot or maybe a burning trash can? But he had the nagging suspicion that if you did not establish such rules in a religion from the very beginning it just would not work out. 

***OH, KAMI!!***

Dende froze. 

_'Nuu-uuuh.. I haven't heard what I just heard…' _

As if in a trance he stood up and stumbled to the edge, staring down as if he wanted to jump any minute. Which he probably would. 

A clearing in a forest, bathed in the rays of a glorious sundown.

_Zoom in._

Lush grass moving slightly in a early evening breeze.

_Zoom in._

Two bodies, still upright, pressed against each other. 

_Zoom in._

Eyes closed, dark hair ruffled by the gentle breeze. 

Hot mouths pressed together, tongues battling for dominance. 

Hands roaming spandex-clad flesh, down a muscled back.  

Two tails, entwining, ruffling each others fur. 

Dual moans, followed by husky purrs. 

Graceful forms desperately clinging together, seeking as much contact as possible. 

Heat practically radiating of two perfectly chiselled bodies, toned flesh tinted with the flush of desire. 

Dende's mouth hung open.

Now the taller of the two lost his balance and toppled over, but even that was full of grace. The lighter framed body followed suit, instantly claiming dominance. Strong hands gripping a slender waist. Hips moving, bringing much needed friction. A sinewy dark tail coiling around a muscular thigh, the tip nuzzling the soft delicate skin on the inside. 

Soft words of affection being uttered before the heat takes over and a low growl announces that resistance is futile. Not that there is any. Claw-like fingers shredding orange fabric. Palms moving adoringly over rock-hard abdomen, tracing lines of fire in the evening sun. Molten light bathing tanned skin, glowing from the inside as a body arched up into a another, extracting moans of passion from both participants.

Dende could not believe it.

_'No.. It can't be… Sweet...  determined…innocent… uncaring...  DAMN!'_

But even as he cursed he could not tear his eyes away. For the very first time, though his skin colour had altered behind any definition of a blush and he trembled head to toe, he felt the desire to stay and watch. Heat rose in his body and he sunk down at the edge to the world, eyes fixed on that unbelievably erotic scene.

***

Far away,  in midst a beautiful valley full of blooming vegetation, in front of a cave way out in the wilderness, eyes snapped open and a rare smile grazed stern lips. Someone stirred and then stood up.

_'Finally.'_

***

Spandex came off in a rush as the need to feel skin on glorious skin grew beyond all logic. Sweat slicked bodies pressing together, no out of element sense of shame hindering them. 

Just pure passion as each found completion in the other.

A hot tongue trailing paths of liquid desire onto shivering skin. Silk-wrapped steel rising in need as hands took hold of a dark brown tail, ruffling the downy fur lovingly. Screams of passion echoing through the softly falling night. 

Dende shivered just the same. A wondrous feeling approached him. He felt as if finally he was at the brink of understanding what this was all about as he watched a neck bending in breathless ecstasy and those two bodies finally moving in perfect harmony, melting against each other, performing a dance so grand that  only a god could have designed it.

_'Wait. That would mean I had…'_

Suddenly the young god felt a body pressing against himself from behind, two strong arms embracing him. Large hands smoothed over his chest. Startled he wanted to turn around but his captor prevented it.

"Watch and learn." 

A husky voice whispered into his ear as surprisingly gently fingers started to caress his skin, making it tingle. Dende closed his eyes as that strange sensations danced all over him and then seemed to gather in the nether regions of his loins.

"You… you knew..?" 

He gasped, breathless, as the feelings threatened to overwhelm him.

Those fingers were doing wonders to him. But it was nothing compared to when a hot mouth closed around one of his antennas, suckling softly. He moaned loudly, in unisono with the voices in his head.

"Of course I knew. Kami is still a part of me. It was actually quite amusing to watch you squirm. I knew that you would not understand until the time was right."

"But.. but I thought we were asexual, we.."

"Yes and no. There comes a time in each of us when we awaken to what lies beyond. Our body must have developed fully before we can understand. Now is the time. I will help you understand…"

"Aaaah…"

And Dende understood.  

Piccolo smiled devilishly. He knew that the young guardian would now finally truly discover why it was good to be god. Oh, the possibilities…

**"OH, KAMI!"**

~oO **Owari** Oo~

_Well... have you ever noticed how often the term "Oh kami!" or "Oh god!" is used in lemons? Huh? I just thought: Hey, wasn't there some commandment against that? What if HE really would listen every time? And voila.. this fic was born…_

   [1]: mailto:Mononokehime@gmx.net



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